Handel’s Messiah as translated by a Chronically Online Twenty-Something

Comfort ye, comfort ye my people.

Change the passwords of their Twitter accounts, uninstall their Discord apps;

Send them kind texts out of the blue asking about their lives.

Cry unto them that their warfare is accomplished:

They’ve conquered the imposter syndrome, gifted by cheery Linked-In posts and cherry-picked Instagram pictures.

They’ve scrolled past an annoying post that they could have screenshotted and clowned on in a private chat.

Their email addresses from middle school have been pardoned.

The voice of reason, that has been ignored too many times before, cries in the wilderness:

Prepare the way for real accomplishments.

Quit doom scrolling; get a productivity app.

Every independent blog will be exalted—

the social media companies and their data hoarding made low—

the bigots will be banned and the YouTube comments redeemed.

And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed in gift subscriptions to strangers

DMs to friends checking in

Justice swelling from Twitter hashtags

Making a way out of no way, a career out of the internet

For the mouth of the Lord and the mouth of the masses have spoken it.

 

Messiah as black-out poetry

Said the Lord of Hosts—yet once a little while and I will shake the heavens and the earth, the sea, and the dry land; and I will shake all nations, and the desire all nations shall come.

The Lord, who you seek, sh all suddenly come to his temple, even the messenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in; behold, he shall come, said the Lord of Hosts.

But who may abide the day of his coming? And who shall stand when he appears? For he is like a refiner’s fire.

And he shall purify the sons of Levi, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness.

Behold a virgin shall conceive and bear a son and shall call his name Emmanuel, God with us.

O you that tell good tidings to Zion, get up into the high mountains. O you that tells good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with strength; lift it up, be not afraid. Say to the cities of Judah, behold your God! Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon you.

For behold darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people. But the Lord shall arise upon you, and his glory shall be seen upon you. The Gentiles shall come to your light, and kids to the brightness of them rising.

The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light, and they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them has the light shined.

For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulder. His name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.

There were shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

***

And lo! The angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone around about them. They were sore afraid.

And the angel said to them, “Fear not! For, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a savior, who is Christ the Lord!”

And suddenly there was with the angels a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying

Glory to God in the highest, and peace on earth. Good will toward men.

Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion; shout, O daughter of Jerusalem. Behold, your King comes to you. He is the righteous savior, and he shall speak peace to the heathen.[”]

Then shall the eyes of the blind be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then shall the lame man leap as an heart, and the tongue of the dumb shall sing.

He shall feed his folk like a shepherd, and he shall gather the lambs with his arm and carry them to his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. Come to him, all you that labor and are heavy leaden, and he will give you rest. Take his yoke upon you and learn of him; for he is meek and lowly of heart, and you will find rest to your souls.

his yoke is easy, and his burden is light.

 

Messiah as songs from my Spotify Top 100 songs of 2022

Behold the Lamb of God, Hated by Life

Through his Cosmic Love, we are healed and Get [Our] Wish

But Bad News! We Stayaway from him and FLY HIGH!!! away, Windswept by Distraction.

Pretending he’s a Stranger, we say, “You trusted in God; you can have Anything But Me”

He was left with One Last Kiss, Breathless, given over to Violent Delights.

But the Mystery of Love prevailed: God did not say Goodbye or Who Are You but Hey Ya; no Ghost Rule, but God crowned Jesus Lord of the Castle.

“Fall for Me, gates” and he entered as the King of Glory—one of the Good Ones.

The nations had a Meltdown, saying “Why Do I have to listen to you? This is not The Love [We] Want! We are Sick of House!”

They thought they were Ready Steady, Running Up That Hill, eyes off the wheel, i’m a star, but their Passion for Freedom was Blinding. They were broken; their hopes crushed.

Hallelujah!

 

Messiah as questions sent into a relationship podcast

Dear Shandy,

My friend has been in a relationship for three years, and everything has been great for them. Their boyfriend is kind, gentle, and sometimes a little too nice to everyone around him. They picked a fight with him a few days ago, and they went without speaking or seeing each other for about three days. After the weekend, he showed up on their doorstep, professed his love to them, but then said he had a higher calling elsewhere but that he would always be with them. Then he drove off!

My friend is now holding a torch for him, even though it’s been about two months and I’m pretty sure he’s never coming back and just high-tailed it to Idaho. Are they crazy? How do I tell them to move on?

Sincerely,

Not Sure If Crazy or a Ghoster

***

Dear Shandy,

I’ll keep this short and to the point. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about five months, and we share a lot of the same interests and have good conversations. The issue is that he doesn’t see any value in small-talking, like asking how my day is, which means we just talk about heavy topics—the birth of sin, where our salvation comes from, what happens after we die, whatever the heck happens in Revelations in the Bible— every day. I’m tired of this pattern, and these days he struggles to come up with anything else to talk about, which means we just sit in silence.

What’s the line between small-talk and healthy casual conversations in a relationship? Is this a reflection of a bigger communication issue? Am I damned to hell because I don’t want to discuss what state of decay our heavenly bodies will be in?

Sincerely,

Not Existential