These holidays are from places I’ve lived: Ontario, Michigan, Aberdeen, and the countries to which they belong.
2nd January, January 2 (Scotland) – You have reveled for two days and two nights, said farewell to one year and welcomed another, brought chocolate and whisky to your loved ones, left your keys on some forgotten stoop. You need another day to recover.
Family Day, third Monday in February (Canada) – You are federally obligated on this day to do one of the following:
- Call your mom
- Spend time with your kids
- Take your dog, cat, or hamster for a long walk
- Have a sibling
- Suddenly remember your grandfather’s birthday was last week
- Tip any non-relatives you encounter, including but not limited to the postie, your neighbor shoveling snow, and every child with a bicycle.
President’s Day, third Monday in February (Michigan) – Did you know that it’s called Presidents’ Day in some states? Like, in those places it’s a day for all the presidents, but here it’s just for one, because of the apostrophe placement. They don’t specify which president, although it used to be called Washington’s Birthday, and some places still [your interlocutor has walked away].
Early May Bank Holiday, first Monday in May (UK) – You know it’s May Day. Your boss knows it’s May Day. The government knows it’s May Day, but still it yearns for a rebrand as impactful as X (social network).
Victoria Day, Monday before May 25 (Canada) – You and your 24-pack of beer and your buddies and their 24-packs of beer are going to the lake for May Two-Four. You do not care about the actual date or Victoria (who?) or your worldly responsibilities.
Spring Bank Holiday, last Monday in May (UK) – You enjoy a warming day among bright spring flowers in the white sun.
July Holiday, second Monday in July (Aberdeen) – You can really enjoy this holiday because it’s just yours. None of your pals in nearby villages and towns get to relax today, only you and your fellow toonsers in the summer glow.
Civic Holiday, first Monday in August (Canada) – If you lived in Manitoba, you could at least call today Terry Fox Day. But then you would live in Manitoba. Running laps around the neighborhood in September seems like enough.
Summer Bank Holiday, first Monday in August (Scotland) – If you lived in Manitoba, you could at least call today Terry Fox Day. But then you would live in Manitoba. The move from a sparsely populated bit of an island to a sparsely populated central province might not be the happiest transition, climate-wise.
September Holiday, fourth Monday in September (Aberdeen) – You reflect on this lovely time of year: the days getting shorter, the weather drearier, the children increasingly distraught about spending every day at school, yes even those days when they got to stay home, it’s been so long since the summer holiday and they’ll never be free again…
Boxing Day, December 26 (Canada, UK) – You put all your Christmas spoils into boxes, then you go out to all the Boxing Day sales in box-shaped stores to buy more boxes. You bring them home to a place that is, you realize, itself a box. Maybe your home is one box in a boxy building full of boxes, or on a street that connects to three more streets in a box shape. Where do the boxes end?
