Disembodied lumberjack voiceover: Live from the thought-filled cranial cavity of Gabe Gunnink, welcome to the twenty-sixth annual Golden Gabe Awards. And now, your hosts for the evening, ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy: We would like to thank the Gabe Gunnink Cerebral Press Association for conjuring us up as hosts for a seventh consecutive year. We kind of thought he would have moved on by now, but I suppose actresses in their forties shouldn’t complain about getting air-time in a male, twenty-something’s frontal lobe! I mean, I haven’t seen this much grey matter since starring as Joy in Inside Out.
Tina: And I haven’t since watching that Fifty Shades movie. This isn’t to say we don’t have some complaints, though. You see, every year it seems things in here get more hectic. I mean, just when I thought the Peeta v. Gale case would never end, the kid goes and watches Jane the Virgin!
Amy: Oh, I am definitely team Rafael. I like a man whose name makes me roll my “R.” How about you, Tina?
Tina: None of them! It’s exhausting! The only love triangle I want to be a part of is a slice of Meat Lover’s pizza. You know?
Amy: So, Donald Trump has been popping up a lot more in here, which is awful. He keeps complaining about all the Spanish thoughts getting in. It’s like dude, the kid’s a Spanish teacher. Get used to it!
Tina: Yeah, he keeps talking about building some wall, and I’m thinking: have you seen this kid’s skull? I don’t think you can get much thicker, buddy!
Amy: Anyway, without further ado, let’s get to tonight’s awards. Our first award is for Song of the Year. In a year when Gabe took the bait on a three-months-for-three-dollars Spotify Premium deal and got hooked, this turned out to be a very competitive category. The nominees are:
Song of the Year
- “Avalanche,” HANA
- “Coffee,” Sylvan Esso
- “Lungs,” CHVRCHES
- “OctaHate,” Ryn Weaver
- “Rich,” Cosmo Sheldrake
And the Golden Gabe goes to “Coffee” by Sylvan Esso. I can’t say we’re surprised. It’s a song that manages to be both somber and dancy or, in other words, the musical equivalent of the orange-shirt kid from the Charlie Brown Christmas dance. Look it up!
Tina: Our next category is Adele of the Year—I’m sorry, Album of the Year. And the nominees are:
Album of the Year
- M3LL155X, FKA Twigs
- Pools to Bathe In, The Japanese House
- Ruins, Grouper
- Sway, Marian Hill
- Sylvan Esso, Sylvan Esso
And the Golden Gabe goes to—how do you even say this? Never mind. The winner is one of the robots from the new Star Wars, ladies and gentlemen. What are the kids listening to these days, Amy?
Amy: Next is our category for best film. Currently the category is pretty sparse. But don’t worry; Gabe is projected to go to the movie theater at least seven times between now and New Year’s Eve. The kid loves the Oscar buzz! The nominees are:
Best Film
- Inside Out
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
- SPY
- Wreck It Ralph
And the Golden Gabe goes to Mad Max: Fury Road. Damn it! Finally, when one of my movies gets nominated, the kid decides to be masculine and go with the two-hour car chase!
Tina: In our next category, Amy and I are actually both nominated. The nominees for Best TV Show are:
Best TV Show
- Jane the Virgin
- Naked and Afraid
- Parks and Recreation
- RuPaul’s Drag Race
- Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
And the Golden Gabe goes to—you know what? Who cares? It doesn’t go to anyone. Let’s move on.
Amy: Everyone, I think what Tina’s trying to say is that Parks and Recreation is a knock-out hit and that its seventh season was really just a victory lap that brought its viewers everything that they know, love, and will miss about Pawnee and the rag-tag team of lovable public servants that made it great.
Tina: Yeah, whatever. And now, for a hotly-debated category: Woman of the Year, with a field that includes Glamour Magazine’s Woman of the Year, Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, ESPN’s Sportsperson of the Year, and a precious, long-suffering editor. The nominees are:
Woman of the Year
- Caitlyn Jenner
- Angela Merkel
- Meryl Streep
- Serena Williams
- Abby Zwart
And the Golden Gabe goes to—oh, it makes sense: Meryl Streep!
Amy: She was really great in those Devil Wears Prada recollections Gabe has every few weeks.
Tina: Well-deserved.
Amy: And now, on to our final category for the evening: Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television. The nominees are:
Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
- Kirsten Dunst, Fargo
- Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel
- Sarah Hay, Flesh & Bone
- Felicity Huffman, American Crime
- Queen Latifah, Bessie
In a year of Gabe watching exactly none of these performances, the choice is obvious: the Golden Gabe goes to Lady Gaga!
Tina: That’s our show everyone! Thanks for tuning in, and please join us next year when we’ll probably still be here!
Amy: Good night everyone, and remember: Sisters is in theaters now!
Gabe Gunnink (’14) lives in Seattle, where he works for a European travel company and gawks at the landscapes and skylines surrounding him. In his free time, he enjoys practicing Portuguese under his breath on city buses, running far enough to justify eating an entire pan of cinnamon rolls, and faithfully implementing Oxford commas.
