Note: This post requires a working knowledge of the drag queens Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova. You can watch and episode of their web series UNHhhh here.
Retired The Price Is Right Announcer Who Needs a Little More Cash to Afford that Neeeeew Caaaaar!: Live from the sugar-buzzed frontal lobe of Gabe Gunnink, welcome to the twenty-ninth annual Golden Gabe Awards! And now, your hosts for the evening, ladies and gentlemen, Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova!
Trixie: Hello, hello, hello! I’m that one terrifyingly long back hair that you found while showering last week, Trixie Mattel!
Katya: And I’m the porcelain doll collection that stares at your during Sunday dinner at your Great Aunt Irma’s house, Katya!
Trixie: And welcome to the Golden Gabe Awards, the show where we talk about whatever we want–
Katya: Well, no. We actually talk about what Gabe wants in this one.
Trixie: Oh. Yes. Well, we are so, so glad to be hosting the Golden Gabes tonight. The last time I hosted something, it was a drag brunch for AARP members, so I’m just hoping that tonight doesn’t end with an elderly gentleman throwing potato salad at me!
Katya: And the last time I hosted something was when I had that tapeworm last month! But I am hoping that tonight ends with a hot doctor putting his fingers in my mouth!
Trixie: Now, Katya and I know that this year’s Golden Gabe Awards don’t come without their share of controversy.
Katya: Yeah. Yeah. Gabe was quick to realize a few minutes ago that he has only ever had white figments of his imagination host the Golden Gabe Awards. #goldengabessowhite!
Trixie: But you know what? Gabe spent most of the day yesterday constructing a “high concept gingerbread house.”
Katya: Yeah. While listening to Annie Lennox and Enya’s Christmas albums!.
Trixie: Bitch, he lives in Seattle. Let’s just be happy Childish Gambino got nominated!
Katya: Oh! Oh! That reminds me. I need to go to the pharmacy after this. The doctor said I have a case of mildish crampinos.I don’t know what that means. I just know that my gums hurt and that all my armpit hair fell out!
Trixie: All right, well let’s get on to the awards then before you have another flare up! So, without further ado, here are the nominees for Song of the Year!
Song of the Year:
- “Gwan” by Rostam
- “Pienso En Tu Mirá” by Rosalía
- “Porsche” by Charli XCX feat. MØ
- “Supercut – El P Remix” by Lorde and Run the Jewels
- “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish
And the winner is “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish! Oh, honey! When the party’s over, I can tell you where I’ll be. I’ll be feeling my way out the door like Velma without her glasses because my fake lashes are drooping into my eyes, tuck popped from when I finally had to pee an hour earlier, heels in my hand, about to get into a cab with whatever boy says he’ll give me a foot massage.
Katya: And I’ll still be at home on the couch doing an adult coloring book of Cher’s album covers, trying to stave off the panic attack I almost had when I thought about going to the party!
Now, the nominees for Album of the Year are:
Album of the Year:
- don’t smile at me by Billie Eilish
- El Mal Querer by Rosalía
- Golden Hour by Kacey Musgraves
- Pop 2 by Charli XCX
- Sway by Tove Styrke
And the winner is Pop 2, by Charli XCX! Funny, that’s what I do every morning before I get out of bed!
Trixie: Bitch, I went rollerblading for the first time in years yesterday. That shit looks fun, but it is work! I had to pop twelve just to walk today!
Anyway, the nominees for Music Video of the Year are:
Music Video of the Year:
- “APESHIT” by The Carters
- “Lilo” by The Japanese House
- “Malamente” by Rosalía
- “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande
- “This Is America” by Childish Gambino
And the winner is “Malamente” by Rosalía! You know, I’m from Wisconsin. I don’t speak a word of Spanish. But anyone who can rock a fur crop-top and skirt combo deserves any award that comes her way!
Katya: Yeah. It’s nice to see that they made good use of Elmo now that PBS is being defunded….
And the nominees for Best Television Series are:
Best Television Series:
- The Great British Baking Show
- Queer Eye
- RuPaul’s Drag Race
- Schitt’s Creek
And the winner is Queer Eye!
Trixie: Oh ho-ney! I’ve got two of those, and they have never won me anything!
Katya: You literally won All Stars 3.
Trixie: Did I? I’m like the Gerald Ford of drag. He is in the Hall of Presidents, but only because a lot of other people made a lot of really questionable choices first!
Katya: Well, if anyone needs a year’s supply of Anastasia Beverly Hills cosmetics, it’s you, so I’m just glad things worked out the way they did!
Now, on to the nominees for Best Picture:
- A Quiet Place
- A Simple Favor
- A Star is Born
- Alex Strangelove
- Black Panther
And the winner is A Simple Favor!
Trixie: Which is exactly how Katya and my web series got started.
Katya: Yeah, I told Trixie that I had stage eleven kidney failure and that it was my dying wish.
Trixie: To be fair, you did look terrible that day.
Katya: And to be fair, my urine was red that day.
Trixie: Katya, I told you: you need to stop eating so many beets!
Katya: (in a Russian accent) Vhat am I to do? My family own beet farm!
Trixie: And with that very convincing performance, we will now continue on to the category for Best Performance! And the nominees are:
- Ben De La Creme in RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars
- Lady Gaga in A Star is Born
- Anna Kendrick in A Simple Favor
- David Levy in Schitt’s Creek
- Kate McKinnon in SNL
YAS! And the winner is Lady Gaga! You know, whenever I see something about Lady Gaga, I just feel like I’m looking into a crystal ball and seeing my future. She started as a Barbie doll pop star and had a country-inspired phase. I started as a Barbie doll drag queen and released two country music albums. She appeared on American Horror Story. I appeared on American Horror Story. Now I feel like soon I’m going to be a critically acclaimed movie star!
Katya: No, I’ve looked into that crystal ball. You end up mopping floors with that wig!
And onto our final category! There are seven billion people in the world, most of whom we will never know and whose life circumstances will never allow them to reach their full potentials! But, in 2018, all of them were objectively, unequivocally worse than these five people:
Person of the Year:
- Ruth Bader Ginsberg
- Ariana Grande
- Beto O’Rourke
- Adam Rippon
- Jonathan VanNess
And the winner is the grandma I just adopted, Ruth Bader Ginsberg!
Trixie: Two movies out about her this year, pushing through a broken rib, and having to deal with a shitty new coworker. She is a legend. A le-gend. I’m going to start dressing as her! That big black robe? I’d never have to tuck again!
Katya: Oh Ruth Bader definitely doesn’t tuck! She lets it all hang out!
Trixie: Oh, honey!
Trixie moves head left to right in the manner of RuPaul.
Ruth Bader, in the Maxi challenge, you did dissent-ly, but on the runway, you truly reigned supreme!
Katya bursts into laughter and walks off stage.
Trixie: Well, I think Katya just went off to snort some eye shadow, and she shouldn’t do that unsupervised, so, I’m going to go. But thanks so much for joining us at this year’s Golden Gabe Awards, and remember to buy RuPaul’s new album, Christmas Party. Available on iTunes now!
The nomination ballot is imagined by the only eligible member of the Gabe Gunnink Cerebral Press Association, who struggles for hours to choose only five nominees in each category. On the final ballot, the same member votes for one nominee in each category. Information concerning the final results is known only to the accounting firm of Gunnink & Gunnink, L.L.P. prior to today’s publication of the results.
Gabe Gunnink (’14) lives in Seattle, where he works for a European travel company and gawks at the landscapes and skylines surrounding him. In his free time, he enjoys practicing Portuguese under his breath on city buses, running far enough to justify eating an entire pan of cinnamon rolls, and faithfully implementing Oxford commas.