The Sesame Street Bee
Smiley Human Ban Declared Un-Henson-tutional by Yip Yip Court
by Roosevelt Franklin
Monday, March 20, 2017
SESAME STREET – Mayor Guy Smiley’s recent housing and business ban has been roundly rejected by the Yip Yip Court this morning on grounds that it unfairly discriminates against humans. The Yip Yip Court, comprising nine of the colorful Martians, has long been lauded for its unaffected, impartial view of the world, and its ruling poses an early setback to the Smiley administration.
The decision has been celebrated by vocal opponents of Smiley, including his former mayoral adversary, Virginia Virginia. During a public appearance after the ruling, Ms. Virginia stated, “Today is a proud day for Sesame Street. Today we witnessed the importance not only of the checks and balances provided by an impartial judiciary but also of the positive contributions that individuals from other places, such as the Yip Yips, can have on our Sesamean society.”
Ms. Virginia’s supporters have blamed her mayoral loss last November on public intolerance of her tendency to occupy traditional male spheres such as canvas shirt-wearing and relic-hunting and echoed her sentiments on this morning’s decision. Meanwhile, Mayor Smiley’s supporters have already lashed out, vowing to fight for the ban’s adoption.
When Smiley, the renowned orange television host, announced his mayoral candidacy last year, political pundits criticized his lack of relevant experience and laughed his candidacy off as a joke. However, Smiley’s unmatched media exposure and strong anti-human platform earned him a loyal following of disenfranchised monsters large enough to carry him to victory despite poor debate performances and high-profile claims of sexually lewd behaviors on one of his game shows.
Since his election, Mayor Smiley has wasted little time in implementing his anti-human policies, acting on prominent campaign statements that humans are a drain on and danger to Sesame Street society. In what became perhaps the most circulated line from his mayoral campaign speeches, Mr. Smiley declared, “Humans bring crime and drugs into our neighborhood with no positive effect on the economy. In fact, their fragile bodies and large frames drive up health care costs and call for constant changes to building codes. Also, it’s very hard for a human to be a ten.”
Since his election, Mayor Smiley has backpedaled his harsh rhetoric but has sought to enshrine these same principles into law, most recently with his housing and business ban. The ban, signed last week, outlines a series of rigid restrictions for new housing applications and small business permits. Smiley has repeatedly stated that the new measures aim not to discriminate against humans but rather to ensure community safety and stem rising construction costs. The new mayoral order also places a temporary ban on issuing housing applications and small business permits to individuals from seven majority-human New York City neighborhoods: Chelsea, Chinatown, Greenwich Village, Harlem, SoHo, Tribeca, and Union Square.
Critics of the legislation have been quick to point out that the ban does indeed discriminate against humans. Famed Muppetarian Kermit the Frog discussed this discrimination with 123 News this morning:
“There is no denying that it isn’t easy being sapien these days. However, we also cannot deny that Mayor Smiley won position within the parameters of our electoral system and is currently operating within the limits of his office. I suppose, then, what we need to ask ourselves as a society is if we are willing to undermine certain societal structures and jeopardize the peace and safety of all in an anti-compositionist pursuit of a subjective ideal of equality for all persons. In short, we must ask ourselves whom these structures are serving and whom they are excluding.”
The answer to Mr. the Frog’s final question has been declared all too obvious by legal professionals following the exclusive release of the proposed housing document revisions obtained by the The Sesame Street Bee this past Friday. The document includes questions such as “Have you ever been diagnosed with having a liver, eyelids, or any bones?” and “Have you aged within the past year?” Local attorney Bert declared these questions “a clear violation of the First A-Mupp-ment, which states that all persons have access to basic needs, regardless of gender, religion, composition, or any other aspects of identity.”
However, while some oppose the legislation on a legal basis, others have pointed toward the effects such a ban would have on the social and economic life of the city.
Longtime social activist Elmo, who has worked closely with humans for over thirty years, held a rally outside of 123 Sesame Street this morning, saying, “Elmo has spent a lot of time with humans and knows that they are our friends. Elmo happy to announce that he teaming up with the letter P to begin a petition opposing the ban in order to support his friends.”
Meanwhile, top economist Count von Count estimated that the implementation of Smiley’s ban could result in “not von, not two, but three million dollars” in annual revenue loss for the Sesame Street business community, spurring outrage from the Sesame Street Small Business Coalition.
Even psychologist Big Bird entered the conversation, suggesting that Mayor Smiley may suffer from mental unrest. “What is odd here is that Mayor Smiley seeks to draw a firm line between monsters and humans,” Mr. Bird noted, “while he himself is remarkably humanoid in both his skin tone and facial structure. I believe, then, that this legislation may be the result of a deep-seated self-loathing that Mr. Smiley has long sought to mask by his larger-than-life public persona.”
Despite the uproar, the Smiley administration has maintained their position and insisted they will fight this morning’s ruling. Former pageant co-host and current counselor of Mayor Smiley, Prairie Dawn, expressed disappointment in response to Elmo’s announcement about the letter P’s involvement in his opposition campaign and vowed to boycott not only the letter P, but also its colleagues LMNO. Requesting to be referred to as Rairie Daw, the counselor spoke this morning with 123 News. “It is hard…t-tuh state the-the distress I have because t-this day we exist at a…stage where…ABC-characters carry bias. It’s..disgusti-…it’s terrib-…it’s awfu-…it’s wretched. It’s wretched!” Rairie stammered on for a while, claiming that prominent members of the community were distorting the intentions of the order and contributing to the increasing polarization that has gridlocked Sesame Street for the past decade.
Meanwhile, Telly Monster, Mr. Smiley’s press secretary, met with reporters to discuss steps that the Smiley administration would take in the coming days. “Humans are terrifying! They bring crime and drugs into our neighborhood! Just look at Justin Bieber! Graffiti! Drag racing! A DUI! He’s the reason that Oscar relapsed and hasn’t been able to secure consistent housing for himself in years!” Telly Monster then continued to announce the Smiley administration intends to release a weekly list detailing all crimes committed by humans who have visited Sesame Street, specifically mentioning Alec Baldwin, Chris Brown, and Bill Cosby.
However, the simplest and most telling reaction to all this may be Mayor Smiley’s. He has yet to make a public statement, but instead fired off this tweet:
Today may be a sunny day on Sesame Street, but the clouds are far from swept away.
Gabe Gunnink (’14) lives in Seattle, where he works for a European travel company and gawks at the landscapes and skylines surrounding him. In his free time, he enjoys practicing Portuguese under his breath on city buses, running far enough to justify eating an entire pan of cinnamon rolls, and faithfully implementing Oxford commas.