I’ve been absolutely binging Sex and the City, and I got to the episode “A Woman’s Right to Shoes.” In a storyline revolving around stolen Manolo Blahniks at a baby shower, Carrie reflects on how we don’t celebrate milestones for single people. We’ll throw bridal showers and baby showers, but there’s no such thing as a I-just-bought-the-most-beautiful-sandals shower, or a I’ve-been-working-on-myself-in-therapy-and-I’m-much-less-anxious shower.
So, in the name of not being married and wanting someone to throw me a party, here are some milestones I think we should celebrate for single people.
Pet adoptions
It’s by no means a new idea that—in today’s culture—pets are the new children and plants are the new pets. Just because some of us are single doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be celebrated for adopting a small, adorable, narcissistic creature that’s entirely dependent on us for survival. And any pet owner will tell you that the costs add up quicker than you’d think. So let’s welcome this Instagram-worthy burden into our lives with a shower and gifts.
Gift ideas: New toys, pet food, or carpet cleaner.
Getting on dating apps
If we’re going to celebrate people’s commitment to each other, we should celebrate people’s commitment to finding each other. Besides, dating apps have a way of wearing you down. Once you get the dopamine hit of some frat guy saying you’re hot, BAM! Ghosted. Then there’s the negging, the drawn-out conversations, the lewd comments from people who never took a health class. We need to build each other up before entering the trenches.
Gift ideas: Tissues, curated Taylor Swift playlists, or a therapy session.
Getting off dating apps
Sure, I might think that a lot of people could benefit from being on dating apps for a season. I just also happen to think that getting off a dating app is the first step towards self-actualization. It’s an act of self care, really. Whether your break lasts two weeks, two months, or to the end of time, it’ll be time well spent.
Gift ideas: Tissues, curated Taylor Swift playlists, or a therapy session.
Back pain
It’s truly a cliche of getting older, but my goodness my back has been killing me for the last year. If we can romanticize diapers and spit up and sleep deprivation, let’s romanticize the pains of single people too.
For your party, I suggest you take everyone to a trampoline park as an exercise in sympathy, like when men use those period cramp simulators.
Gift ideas: Ibuprofen, hot pad, or orthopedic car pillow.
First colonoscopy
Has anyone else gotten TikToks of that nurse telling people in their twenties they need to get colonoscopies? Just me?
Well, if she’s right, the timeline for colonoscopies is going to move up any day now. And if anyone needs encouragement, it’s these guys. They’re an act of courage, responsibility, and unspeakable private horrors.
Gift ideas: Apple juice, prayers, or vodka (technically a clear liquid).
However you choose to celebrate, it’s important to be intentional about rallying around our milestones, no matter our stage of life. Let’s start celebrating all our single, married, messy, uncomfortable accomplishments together.
Tiffany Kajiwara graduated from Calvin in 2022 with majors in literature and writing. Now, she continues to live in Grand Rapids and works at Baker Academic Publishing as a marketing assistant. In her free time, she enjoys crocheting, thrifting, and psychoanalyzing cartoon characters.
hilarious as always, Tiffany!