How to Apologize Without Screwing It Up

Apologizing sounds so easy. It’s just saying, “I’m sorry.” And yet, time and time again, celebrities and influencers are mocked for saying sorry badly. And if we’re being honest, most of us struggle to effectively take accountability. In my own life, I’ve fumbled apologies more times than I’d like to admit. Here’s a guideline I try to follow.

1. Say what you did.

2. Explain why it was harmful.

3. Acknowledge the impact on someone you’ve wronged.

4. Commit to changing actions in the future.

Let’s ground this in a real-life example. Let’s imagine that I am living with housemates and one night, I forget to put my dishes away, leaving the kitchen a mess. My housemate is now confronting me about this. Here’s what I might try to say.

1. I didn’t clean the kitchen.

2. I didn’t respect the shared space.

3. My mess stressed you out.

4. From now on, before I go to bed, I will double check, even if I’m tired.

This apology is effective because it communicates to your housemates that you respect and hear them, and that you are committed to doing better.

What’s tricky is that most of the time, when I’m confronted about my faults, I get defensive. I immediately think about why the other person is wrong, and that they just don’t understand.

So do I keep my mouth shut or defend myself?

This is where it gets tricky because if I try to tell my housemate that they were wrong about the kitchen, they start to wonder if they were justified in confronting me. They might start to question whether their need for a clean space is valid.

But if I don’t advocate for myself, I begin to feel resentment and may feel as though unfair expectations are placed on me. Like, how can my housemate expect me to be perfect all the time? Even if it feels unfair to me, at least I’m not invalidating the other person’s feelings.

If I choose to speak up for myself, I want to make sure that my housemate feels safe and respected.

I’ll go through the steps and a “bad” version, contrasted with a “good” one.

Step one:

1. The kitchen wasn’t even messy. I worked really hard to clean it up.

2. In my head, I felt like I had cleaned the kitchen last night because I had wiped the counter, but I have a lower standard of cleanliness than you.

Step two:

1. There may have been a little bit of a mess, but I really don’t think it was that bad. And it wasn’t worse than what you do.

2. I didn’t realize that I was making a mess last night, but perhaps it was worse than I realized. And that’s not fair because the kitchen is a shared space.

Step three:

1. You seem really stressed and are being dramatic about my mess. I don’t understand.

2. I don’t get bothered by mess like you, but I understand cleanliness is important for your health.

Step four:

1. I don’t think I should be expected to do better.

2. Honestly, I’m not positive that this won’t happen in the future. I have stressful, absent-minded days too. But I know this is important to you, and I’m going to try.

With all that being said, I don’t write this to hold people to a ridiculously high standard. We will never transcend into fully self-actualized human beings. But our words have an impact on others, even when we have wholesome intentions. I think we would do well to be a little bit more mindful in our relationships.