Annaka Lynn Koster died at some time in the future of some mediocre and totally unexceptional cause. If that was not the case, it would have been relayed here, because what other way is there to get a stranger to read your obituary. More likely, though, her inevitable termination was brought on by her unending affection for sugary beverages, which she does not regret.
If she was extremely lucky, Annaka is survived by none of her elders and all of her juniors, because death is easier to deal with when it is chronological. In all likelihood, Annaka was not extremely lucky.
Annaka was born in 1996 in Small Town, USA, to parents who at the time did not know how long-suffering they were about to become. The youngest of three, she exhibited many of the traits stereotypical of lastborns, like self-centeredness, aggression, and dependency while somehow missing out on fun-lovingness, outgoingness, and charisma. Annaka’s parents are likely to point out that this self-deprecation is both unhelpful and false, but statistically speaking, they are already dead, and so their opinions matter less at this time.
After completing an unremarkable term at the local Christian high school, Annaka attended Calvin College, which has since changed its name to Calvin University. (A contrarian by nature, Annaka refused to call it such as long as she lived.) Her attendance at both schools has been made more complicated by retrospect and the subsequent political activities of Betsy DeVos.
Annaka then pursued her Master of Information Science at the University of Michigan, mostly because she realized in January of her senior year of college that she didn’t know what she was going to be doing in four months and one of her housemates mentioned that he was thinking about going to library school, an idea that she stole and he abandoned. The jury is still out on who made the wiser choice.
Following her two years in Ann Arbor, Annaka emerged into the vast unknown of post-school life, with the additional complication that she did so in 2020, which readers of a certain age will fondly remember as “hell,” and younger ones might know as that really boring chapter at the end of their history textbook. Annaka then began working as a public librarian, a job that confronted her daily with ludicrous situations, delightful weirdos, and a thorough oscillation of the best and worst of the human experience. Again, it is too early to tell if that was a blessing or a curse.
If Annaka ever married, it came as an extreme shock to everyone involved and she owes her sister five dollars.
Annaka spent her non-work hours being overly competitive at board games, reading hundreds of books a year, and watching an embarrassing amount of anime. It is unlikely that Annaka ever discovered the meaning of life, but on her best days, she learned to be content with it.
Visitation will be held relatively quickly, since people have short attention spans these days. Funeral to follow, likely in a church. There is a high probability of that fact being incredibly ironic, depending on how everything shakes out. What’s left of Annaka will then be planted in a plot of land designated for such a purpose, hopefully one that she arranged beforehand but not likely so, since she never could get errands done on time. Annaka then plans on doing whatever it is souls do or, in the likely event that this all turns out to be a massive misunderstanding after all, take a very long nap.
In lieu of flowers, please send succulents, cacti, and potted plants so that Annaka’s surviving relatives will be forced to divvy them up after the funeral and then feel extremely guilty when they inevitably die two months later.
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If I’m still alive, I’ll hobble to your gravesite and throw a handful of dice on your casket. In several thousand years, an archaeologist will excavate the site and ponder the ceremonial significance of these dirt-encrusted math rocks.
I’d appreciate that–then when I come back as a spooky ghost, I’ll have something to do. [insert joke about not being able to get your D&D group together until everyone’s dead]
Annaka, you are delightfully weird! I like the Halestorm song, ‘If you’re a freak like me,’ and the lyrics include:
“So shout if you’re a freak like me
Don’t apologize
They can’t hold you down
You were born to rise
It’s our time now to come out.
Check it out, I think you’ll like it!
Then I’m in good company! Thanks for reading, Marianne!
Only you can make me laugh in the face of death. Bwahaha!!!
Thanks, Sandy! That was the goal, so I’m glad I succeeded.
This is *chefs kiss*
I just told your mom last weekend how I look forward to reading your blog posts! You are a write extraordinaire, always thought- provoking, insightfully honest, and today delightfully funny. What a gift you are!
Great post. Made me laugh and read it again!