At least once a week, I find myself bemoaning the fact that I am not the benevolent dictator of the world. Not that I would be particularly good at it. I simply feel that I could make a few very small and practical changes that would improve our situation greatly.
1 / Remove all unnecessary “p”s and “e”s on old-timey stores.
No more “Shoppe” or “ye Olde”. I think we can all agree that the only thing this sort of name conveys to customers is “tacky.” Possibly, “dusty.”
2 / Create the “Let’s Just Admit the Last Couple Harry Potter Books Weren’t Very Good” Society
JK needed an editor. 300 bajillion pages of camping and Dumbledore backstory? Nope. The society shall also be vocal about how annoying it is that the news reports on JK’s tweeting.
4 / Decrease, generally, the public’s awareness of the Comic Sans and Papyrus fonts.
5 / Anne Brontë will get a little more attention in the literary world.
Like, not as cool as Emily and Charlotte, obvi, but Tenant of Wildfell Hall is honestly a good read. And we’d take any one of the Brontës over Jane Austen.
6 / Writing in the margins will either be banned or encouraged. I can’t decide.
7 / The sequels to Louis Lowy’s The Giver will go out of print.
The first book is one of the world’s most perfect novels…why ruin it by explaining the ending?
8 / The Toast will come back.
9 / The Marvel Movies will be forced to have at least one struggling, nerdy, yet visionary college-grad screenwriter on their team.
Rather than seeing the same movie with different actors over and over and over.
10 / The Office will have ended when Jim and Pam got married.
11 / All tattoo parlors will employ a grammarian.
12 / Jogging will be enjoyable. And I will like it.
13 / Exact measuring during baking will be banned.
Because people who take a knife to scrape the little bit of flour on top of the cup measurer are the worst.
14 / There will be an increased awareness of putting pineapples on burgers.
15 / The public will be encouraged to try more interesting ice cream flavors.
I’m not banning chocolate and vanilla! I’m just saying that mango ice cream is delicious and should be more readily available.
16 / Trader Joe’s will deliver.
17 / Giving potted plants instead of cut flowers will become more a thing.
18 / All high schools will offer “adulting” classes.
It’s a silly term, but these classes will offer lessons in cooking, doing dishes, and doing taxes.
19 / All health insurance employees will be coached in effective communication styles.
20 / Speaking of, politicians will have to use the health insurance they enact.
21 / Third parties in America will become more of a thing.
22 / People who swing dance in places where no one else is swing-dancing will have to be good at it.
23 / One-way streets will be phased out.
24 / Columbus Day, too.
25 / Teachers will be paid the money they deserve.
26 / People who I think should date will go on at least one.
27 / America will, like the rest of the world, call soccer football.
28 / The campaign for de-extinction of mammoths will be taken seriously.
For lots of reasons, including the prevention of climate change. Look it up.
29 / Pantsuits for women will be reimagined.
I have a lot of thoughts about this. Pantsuits for women often look like ill-fitting men’s suits, or are so tight and revealing that they become an overly sexualized outfit.
30 / Whether or not you have a man-bun, or consider them attractive, will be declared an uninteresting conversation.