For the month of June, we asked all of our writers to include a video in their piece.

The story goes, that a girl was traveling abroad… either that or she was in Grand Rapids… or Boston or Austin or Mauston. Which is in Wisconsin… anyways, minor details…

She kissed a guy at bar and developed a skin disease — a RASH! Or a breathing problem or a cough.

At night he walks the streets alone
looking for a girl to take home
He’ll go into a night club
lookin for a girl to fall in love… with him
He’d give his number to any girl he’d meet
Ooh in the hopes of turning them to meat

He’s flawless in his execution knows nothing but precision
He is a man with a woman’s intu—ition
He kissed a girl on Friday night gave her his number and a light
for her cigarette: they were Marlboro Reds!!

She woke up the next day
Rash on her mouth the size of Bombay
She ran to the hospital
said Doctor how’s this possible!?
He told her to sit down, He’d be right back!

In came the doctor
with two police officers
they cuffed her to the bed
how’d ya get that rash they said

It’s only found on people who have been eating
oooooooother people [STOP]

OHH! Ohhh, hows this possible?
Ohhh ohhhh! She kissed a cannibal!
He’ll chop up your liver and he’ll put it in a bowl!
He’ll eat your heart, but he can’t get your soul

She gave the man’s number
to the two policemen and they set off to apprehend
They walked up to his house, broke down the door
nothing out of place, cannibals never miss their chores

they searched high and low and wouldn’t you know,
they found nothing but a couple of bones WAIT They found some bones!
They were human bones the men could tell, because they had taken some anatomy classes and they were generally knowledge-a-bell

He’ll chop up your liver and hell put it in a bowl
He’ll eat your heart…but he can’t get your soul
Ohhhhh ohhhh how’s this possible?
Ohhhhh ohhhh she kissed a cannibal

They tip toed down the stairs to the basement
Expecting to find some major defacement…. literally

They were not surprised when they saw the mans disguises
Clearly custom-made, a cannibal never compromises.

As they walked on the signs grew stronger
As did the smell, they couldn’t hold their breath much longer

The stairs turned to rocks, rocks turned to dirt,
they were walking through a cave under the earth
the air was thick and damp and their breath appeared in the light of the lamp
chilly as it was the men’s legs didn’t cramp

The sound was faint at first but then grew loud
it was unmistakable that eery sound

[hum chorus slowly]

they passed through a doorway dark as the night,
towards one little flickering light
Poof the light went dim, a door slammed and locked them in
their flashlights went out and they knew it was him!

a single beam illuminated
this man who was inundated
by that I mean he was chewing on two women’s hands

He said I’ll chop up your liver and I’ll put it in a bowl
I’ll eat your heart… and come back for your soul.

They shot him in the freakin’ head
filled his body full of freakin’ led
this cannibal was freakin’ dead.

But let that be a lesson to all the young ladies
be careful who you take home from the bar cause they might have rabies
or in this case, they might be a cannibal.

Bart Tocci
Bart Tocci ('11) lives in Boston where he write essays, performs at open mics, and threatens to start taco restaurants. He’s been told that he looks like the kind of guy who stands up for what’s right. And who goes to the store before the party. Read more here: barttocci.wordpress.com

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