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Monthly Archives: August 2016

The Incident of the Bug in the Bathroom

With all the grace of a victorious warrior princess, I gave my mortal enemy’s remains a proper burial.

Learning to Let Me Be Me

I have been letting myself down for as long as I can remember.

April 24, 2004

I, Isaac Vis. The scrawny, pale fifteen-year-old whose mom still cookie-cut his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches into heart shapes. Had. Kissed. A. Girl!

A Metal History

Metalcore, death metal, melodic death metal, black metal, djent, speed metal, thrash metal, hair metal, nu-metal, doom metal, grind, hardcore, post-hardcore, southern metal, sludge metal…

Think Outside the Bell

“Guys, I’m pretty hammered right now. Who’s feeling Arby’s?” said no one ever.

Gift and Choice

Sometimes my mind gets stuck on things. For the last five years or so, it’s been stuck on a person: Jai Paul.

My Flings with Absent Men

My Flings with Absent Men

by | Aug 23, 2016

But, as a single woman with no romantic prospects on the current horizon, I’ve gained the most intimacy with two men I have never met.

Lugares: The Long Awaited English Translation of a Portuguese Poetic Masterpiece

Lugares: The Long Awaited English Translation of a Portuguese Poetic Masterpiece

I’m proud to present my abridged and condensed translations of Maria Andresen de Sousa’s brilliant book Lugares.

The Mundane Greatness of Michael Phelps

The Mundane Greatness of Michael Phelps

Of course Michael Phelps won another gold medal. Why should we expect anything different?

Friends Like These

Friends Like These

Success, money, fame, and even romance feel laughably conceptualized when placed against the visceral reality of friends singing along the highway and filling the car with farts.

Grief and Loss and Slapstick

Grief and Loss and Slapstick

Tommy Boy, the stupid, slapstick-esque comedy with Chris Farley and David Spade that was made in 1995, is not a good movie.

Harry Potter and the Unfortunate Sequel

Harry Potter and the Unfortunate Sequel

More crucially, the Time-Turner plot that comprises the latter two-thirds of the play codes almost as a kind of high-level fan-fiction.

Mo Money

Mo Money

I decided to put my money where my mouth has been since I started touting the importance of small-scale local agriculture six years ago.

Summer Reading

Summer Reading

For those looking to turn off cable news, run away from polls, or escape Twitter, perhaps one of these recommendations could serve as a reminder of what lasts.

When the Gulls Descend

When the Gulls Descend

Seagulls—by land, sea or any other name—are seagulls. They’re annoying birds, but they’re honest ones.

Relient K Is Still Relevent

Relient K Is Still Relevent

You stopped listening to Relient K after 2004’s Mmhmm.
Listen, I get it. I was in the same boat.

Christian Hipster Baby Names

Christian Hipster Baby Names

Barnabas

+10 Christian points and +1000 Calvin points.

30 Things Everyone Is Actually Doing This Summer

30 Things Everyone Is Actually Doing This Summer

6. Going swimsuit shopping. Finding two types of swimsuits: lingerie and grandma’s pajamas.

I Now Pronounce You

I Now Pronounce You

At every milestone I’ve consciously met in this life, I’ve supposed that I’ll feel somehow different on the other side.

Titty Sprinkles

Titty Sprinkles

Some of the men on my team couldn’t find a passing lane—offensively or defensively—if their lives depended on it, but no one notices that.

A Night in Martha’s Vineyard

A Night in Martha’s Vineyard

The sign in front of The Katama General Store reads: “Free Scones for all Presidents.”

Faded Memories

Faded Memories

I technically shouldn’t have graduated—you were only allowed a total of twenty excused absences in a year, and I had something like thirty-five my senior year.

Dear Women, Just Say No.

Dear Women, Just Say No.

So just say you can’t make it. Honestly, it took me a long time to learn this. I used to feel needlessly guilty for all sorts of things until my friend Bekah taught me how to say no to things.

Mary-Veronica

Mary-Veronica

She isn’t actually Mary-Veronica. First she was Veronica, and then, after I gave her $140 but before she gave me her address, she became Mary.

A Bit of Light Reading

A Bit of Light Reading

Do you suffer from English Major Guilt? While I am in recovery, this pernicious disease will still raise its head from time to time.

Housekeeping for Dummies

Housekeeping for Dummies

Step Seven—Whew, we’re already on step seven. Check the time. What time is it? Whoo boy, we’ve already been in here thirty minutes, and it’s only half done.

My Thoughts While Watching The Bachelorette

My Thoughts While Watching The Bachelorette

And this, dear reader, is why I think we Americans love to watch The Bachelorette. We love to look at those who have it all.

Puppy Love

Puppy Love

I have never had a dog, let alone a puppy, before, so I’m very much a novice with this new family endeavor. But the time now is right to take the puppy plunge.

Me and my Family on Vacation in New York

Me and my Family on Vacation in New York

My mom and dad trail behind me, consulting a map. One of my brothers squints upwards, while my sisters are eagerly taking pictures of sewer rats.